Aaheli

colours

2008-09-25T16:35:00.000-07:00

Colours

Red means the sun in my drawing book....
Red means the rose carefully preserved in my "Fountainhead",
Red means the colour of a heart....
Red means the bloodshed in Nandigram...
Yes I have grown up
and a lot I have lost........

Black is the kiwi shoe polish on my school shoes....
Black is the colour of her eyes...
Black is a lovely movie....
Black Friday has been censored.....
Black used to be a crayon in my crayon box....
Somewhere.....
The black crayon is lost.....

Blue means the sky around the red sun...
Blue means the transition from pencils to pens at school....
Blue means Indian cricket....
Blue means "yeh dil mange more"....
Blue is your guitar.....But that music
Somewhere is lost....

This poetry is deeply inspired by "the guy with a blue guitar" and is to be cotd....

Aaheli

2008-08-05T17:55:00.000-07:00

Chapter 1

Whatever comes our way...... whatever battle we have raging inside us, we always have a choice.
It's the choicesthat make us who we are......and we can always choose..................to do what's right.
- Spiderman (Peter Parker)

The door opened. The big room in front was all empty. Void of life and furniture, both.She had atleast expected to find a chair, or a stool. All tired after the long journey, she had been through. Yes, it had been a long long journey.Thankfully she had brought along the bedsheet, she laid on the floor, and sat down. She had been here before.Since then a lot had changed.

It was not so empty then, although not as jam packed as her two bedroom flat in Borivali, Mumbai. So full of furniture that there was hardly any place to even set your foot on the floor. And this was a big, big room. The living room of once what was a Zamindar baari( The landlord's house). She walked to the verandah, slowly on her toes, so that she wont dirty her feet. The marble flooring was all filled with dust now. It felt like a mirage, a mirage you cant see, but hear. Fading voices, kids shouting "I see you now!! Dhappa!" She could smell the jalebis cooked every Sunday morning in a big pot in the kitchen, which was not part of the house. How she would get all wet running from the Baari to the kitchen to steal the jalebis, during one of those rainy days. Strangely today again it was a Sunday.

Sunday was not an option, it was the only option.Her schedule was all set.By next weekend she would have to meet the long list of friends and family, she met only once a year. Then two days with her parents, and then to Borivali, for some leftover work in Mumbai. And then back to her jam packed schedule in SFO.

Life had become so much void emotion, fully mechanical.As if she was a robot waiting for commands to come to her.And she knew time would fly fast.Yes, and thinking of time, it was already 11:00 am, and there was lots to do in the next seven hours, she would be here. No time for old memories. But it was difficult. Coming down the flight of stairs, she came across the big window, halfway down. It was painted green.And there was a small extended part of it where you could sit and could get lost for hours into the birds and the green fields afar.She remembered, this being her favourite place to read her favourite abridged versions of Shakespeare,Maupassant,Somerset Maugham. There she sat again, opened her laptop, and noticed the the mail icon in the right corner. It was urgent and needed to be answered asap.It was already 12:00 by the time she was done with it. Time to look for lunch.Lunch was easy in the house those early days. Just had to walk from the main house to the kitchen, which was always full. But today all you could find was spiders cooking their lunch in the webs. She walked
out of the main door. Right in front was the Thakur Dalan, the place where the big Durga Puja would be sponsered by the Zamindars. Thousands would come, some for praying, others for the free lunch that was offered. There were some hints of English architecture, in the structure.High sloping roofs supported by huge white round pillars.This was usually so common in the old structures in Calcutta,but 200 years of British dominance had so clearly left its traces in such
remote a village as Durgamati !She slowly moved here fingers over the dust. Underneath it, her Grandma's name was inscribed. She could feel a small tingle of pride within.Somewhere within she thought "Did I have a choice. No, I have made up my mind."

At a distance she could see Ravi da. He was short, bald with a flat belly, and very small eyes. So small, they hardly existed. "Oh madam! You already here?? Ya ya, I m not much late han? Only an hour." Aaheli raised an eyebrow."In India thats not considered much.So you must be new to the place. Not to worry.We have taken care of all the formalities. Just need your signaure at a few places, and we will be all set to go." It all sounded too good to be true.But she didnt have much of an option, did she?It was too hard for her to take care of all the property from such a long distnace. So it seemed logical to derive whatever minimum benefit it could offer, and do
away with it.Logical.

It was mid July.And if you have been to West Bengal, India, you would know how bad the weather is,this time of the year. It could pour just anytime. And when
not raining, you would sweat profusely, thanks to the huge humidity in the region. And there was a time Aaheli had waited for this rainy season to come. That sweet smell of wet ground after the first shower.Intriguing.Innocent Aaheli didnt know of the tough world around her then, the competition, the endless run, the roadblocks and the chivalry.Her row of thoughts were broken by Ravi da's words."Madamji, if we dont hurry, the registrar's office would be closed by one, for lunch. And , then if it rains, it may remain closed for the day". Sure West Bengal was all RED. But what actual ideologies of the RED were adopted, and what all was customised according to personal and political needs can be left to your imagination.We reached the office at 12:50, only to be greeted by the watchman, with his lunch dabba."Sir, the office is closed for lunch" he said to Ravi da, not looking at Aaheli. Male chauvanism although existant everywhere, was quite evident in these small villages."Okay , fine. We wait here then or do we go and find something to eat Madam ji?" Ravi da asked Aaheli. Lunch seemed a better option. Aaheli nodded" Ok then,
lets find something to eat."Madam ji, we have a chinese restaurent here.Lets go there then". When in India, Aaheli longed for Bengali food.But its difficult to make people realize that, you desire the things, which are away from you , the most."Ok then, lets go." Aaheli said raising her hands up in the air, in desperation.

Aaheli asked Singh ji to drive to the place Ravi da directed.The food was anything but Chinese.You could very well call it a new cuisine " Bongo Chinese". Viola! A
new dicovery! The humour was short lived. The asbestos sheet on the top of our "Chinese" restaurant started clanging loudly. It had started to rain in Durgamati.

Hi

2006-08-24T13:14:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone.....

Till now everyones Known me through my Poetry....although vague... you guys might right now have some sort of a clue of the kind of person I am.....Well.. Though me myself am not much clear about that! lol ;)....

I , like the millions of the likes of me, work as a "so called" ;)Software Consultant...and running for but not yet certain about "that something" in life.....ya ya I know.. its the same for almos everyone.. but I know people who know wat they gotta do.. n jusst do it(like Adidas guys?? ;)~ )

I wonder how! My priorities seem to change almost every next day....with evry next bashin I get from My boss.. or the very next Beggar I see on teh street.. or wen I see my Highly qualified "professional" friend.. or wen I see my moms face...nah nah.. no place for emotions here...remember??

Grew up in Delhi....tried exploring all I could in a conservative restrictive middle class Indian Household :)....Now worked in Bombay or Mumbai as its called now, for two years....I had always wanted to be here.. somehow Indian cinema has always projected Mumbai as one of the best[always showing the highway at Marine Drive and the biig buildings out there] I loved the place the moment I landed up here...everything from the ancient church..to the book stalls that hve now vanished...to Mochas...to the Bryan Adam concerts!!to the cool breeze at the beach...though at times it did stink...Alibaug...the people.... Aah Lovely...much differnet as compared to the indifferent people you get to come across in Delhi.. Excuse me If that hurt ya ouch!Mumbai breathes life! Really.... right from the local trains that just stop for about an hour.. Not wasting a single bit of time... returning back from office.. in the local trains.. cutting the veggies...knitting.. chatting away.. wat I din like is the fight!Delhi's indifference makes women milder... Mumbai women seem to be much stronger.. in fact "Macho"types lol! especially when you see them fight in the local trains.. they have an obvious reason!You gotta stand on one foot all the 45 minutes from Borivali station to ChurchGate...on a fast local! But consider yourself lucky!! You atleast can keep that "one foot"... Mumabi makes you tough... teaches you how to not fight the crowd but flow up in their diretion.. believe me you gotta be crushed if you tried otherwise!!

I have always loved Juhu's Kala Khatta.. Bhel puri pao bhaji...pity they wont be there anymore....thanks to the beautification scheme the Govt's come up with...two ques I wanna ask here.. where are these guys gonna be employed again.. n Is Juhu really not gonna stink again?? 1st ques answered.. I guess.. Gone with a few days.. n they would be back there again!I love Mumbai!!lol...

Busy packin nowadays...getting transfered to Kolkata(Calcutta initially)....Strange.. I being a bong.. my knowledge about the place are restricted to my summer vacation visits... Still couldnt make out why one of my Punjabi roomies here in Mumbai.. never used to give up.. whenever I mentioned something about Delhi.. she would sure burp in "Hey" But you are from Bengal na .. lol! I forgive here.. yu know why ;)

They are just too proud to be from Punjab!!although most, but not all of them are like that.... They sometimes have a strong influence though and can even capture some terrific Mallu brains!But in matters of heart.. maybe .. they have a lot of space out there!

So coming back to Kol!n :(((( packing!! just cant get the right size of cartons any where... the packers seem to charging quite high looking at the miniature earnings from my BIIIIIIIIG software Giant...n the little stuff I have.. anyways tom morn again I ll go out in search of my lovely little Cartons!lol..see I said my preferences seem to keep changing wid my circumstances.. You can surely find love in the strangest places lol!

So long Friends.. catch ya later!! wish me luck guys!!

Love..
NIMROD!

My Sapce

2006-08-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

Space.... The word strikes me again and again....
The vast space... empty space...around me.........

When I had it with me.. I wanted it filled........
Not realizing then, that sometimes....
Hollowness can be even more empty than the emptiness around me!

Still my heart yearned to be filled...

With those secret desires...those secrets ambitions...
Craving that this emptiness be sometimes....
Filled with that something I grew up longing for.........

Emptiness my friend may give you a hope...

Of something your Heart longs for..............
Never even thinking that sometimes...
You may again long for the same emptiness again!

And a secret fear engulfs your heart.....

And then you want your space, the same emptiness back...
Funny, but the space is empty no more,n sometimes....
Even more filled up....

You fight for getting it back......

You say You wanna breathe... wanna live...
Wanna be free.. n sometimes...
In the way losing that love you grew up Longing for...

Funny isnt it??

Then you realise that.. You have got used to the filled space....

Your brain this time n not heart now looks for something new....
You are sceptical this time.....Sometimes......
You learn from many, and sometimes from instances few....

But Alas! Now the emptiness doesnt get filled up easily....

And now that it gets filled up...you realise you are not...
Left with much of a choice but to accept the filled space around you....
And smile and say.... Hey.. I am Happy.. Really... Sometimes....

Only sometimes.... falling in love with this choking space around you....

Slowly the smoke clears again............

And you see your room.. your stuff...your love...
But the smoke has faded everything now...........n Sometimes...
Leaving the space filled with Ashes of your love....

Live your Heart guys.... this time's not gonna come back

Pesticide

2006-08-21T10:06:00.000-07:00

The blood in my veins now stink....
Yeh Dil Mange More! my heart cried!!
The Dil Wil have got blasted off many times now [;)]
and now all that remains in me is my pesticide!

Hey man!You told me its the Right Choice Baby!
And when You got me diving in...u turned me crazy!
A complete veggie I turned into....
Nurturing the veggies in me with Pesticide [;)] lol!

You asked me to "Enjoy!" I did have fun...
A great relief you were from the scorching sun!
Drinking mangoes when they had long vanished...
Hey did you too nurture them with the same Pesticide?? [;)]

Ok ok!You said "No Bakwaas"!
Wonder why doesnt still put and end to my "Pyass"
I love the taste, love the packaging!
Thanks to your pesticide?? [;)]

Hey you take care of the lovely Babes...
Wonder if they would ever have a clue...
Maintain their great assortments...
You put them on Diet Pesticide?!!! [:D]

Here I have a question...
which may seem quite obvious to you all...
If pesticide in our country is so much in excess
Why into such death traps our farmers in Vidharba fall??
Why do they have to die? when they demand their rightful share of Pesticide??

After you...

2006-08-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

When the lightning lits the sea
and sets the sky on fire....
It reminds me of the rain...
slowly coming down on your pyre...

I asked myself that day..
why this void, why this unending emptiness??
My heart cried out....
accept it you have always loved this proud unhappiness!

You had come to me saying...
You expected nothing in return...
Why these tears then, why this void..
Why then does my heart, my soul burn??

I tried to shove you away...
But you were always there....
Even when I hurt you again and again...
You still showered me with such love! such care!

Is this love or insanity,I now often think to myself...
All I live with now.... are your memories and your smile on my shelf....

Be Happy.. Love Life!

A Dedication

2006-08-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

Hurt me, cut me...its the hours' need,
to realise I am alive...I need to bleed...

Strike a shovel into my heart.....
Which I think will now send back a sound...
Its metal and all hollow......
Echo!!!!No living matter around.....

My nerves need to be cut... cmon get all u got..
Wat did ya say.. its all frozen?? theres nothing left to rot???

Ok I say, try cutting through my brain,
something somewhere must be left out...
Nah nothing here too is left,Apart from some hazy smoky clouds...

My legs?? I used to walk one day....
One day they used to take me around!
No man,the joints r now Lifeless like steel....They too now send back a sound!!!

My hands, they were my power,my imagination, my pride, my love, my hatred...
They too my friend are no more real...finished off the day your work got influenced.....

Nothing! Nothing could make me feel alive...
My remorse is killing me,
I had bent, I had given up my fight...
I had made myself believe that "they" were indeed right...

Why then this remorse,
Where is my belief in myself,
Why this guilt is drowning me in,
What makes me proud today is nothing but my recent Sin???!!!

What they call an inspiration for others...
Has actually blackened my white feathers.....
What a cruel joke!!!

They said black is yet another colour like white....
What you did will surely spread light...
But has light ever been dark...as dark as black??
Why with my eyes closed I see those bodies on the tracks???

The dark smoke you see in my brain...
I dont even feel the pain......
Its all rotten, I think I know why,
Its the moisture from those eyes , they lost their love in those trains......

The metal you see in my heart, was all that was left infact,
Just like my heart it was strong enough, to enjoy the impact...
Not like the fragile innocence, which got blasted away...
What is it if not a joke when I still kneel down to pray......

In your name Oh God!! I quenched my thirst,
I pity you too, for on "The Day", I did see the clouds burst.......

I am still searching for a title for this one...

2006-08-20T04:43:00.000-07:00

I know this ones quite a bit long n u guys really need taht wee bit more of the patience stuff in you......... n its too confusing too...so much so that I cudnt give it a name still.. maybe u cud find one ... ;)

You smile despite your tears...
You despise... but its so clear...
it wasnt love that broke your heart...
its the sheer pain around you........

ok...I "see" the pain but what do I do...
It breaks my heart,I say,I want to give them something too...
Gosh!!I say ...My hands are tied...

But time n again in this way my friend You have lied...

A billion times you have seen them....
Under those overbridges..in the subways...
Trying to save a hand or a head from getting wet...
But then theres no time "You" can waste..Your professional goals are all set!!!

Hey!! I never said I would let them die...
"Those" who, under these bridges lie...
I ll come back to them in sometime..just wait!

But dont you think by the time you are back, it would already be too late??

You say u wanna rise in life just to help them out in some way....
But dont you think theres some doubt in your mind, when these words you say...
Once you start growing.. only one way you see...
To be higher n higher up there... Only at the topmost you wanna be!!!

Yes Ofcourse! who doesnt want so?? I quickly reply!
Is it something you too can deny???
Tell me if you can really help them without getting there...

I say yes true my friend.. "now dreams too charge a fare"!!

But is it really that you cant do anything without reaching that ambitious place...
Dont you think in your daily thoughts,your daily life.. you should give them atleast "some time,some space"???
Dont ask you to pity them..respect them, for their integrity they may still preserve....
They also could have been like you, just they dint get what you thought you deserve!!!

Yes, I am beginning to understand my friend...I too now "feel" their pain...
Try to understand how it feels when you dont "enjoy" but need to "survive the rain"....
Still I am confused what to do.. How should I help them out??

Oh so my friend, you still "suffer" from the advantage of doubt!

Impart something you have to atleast each one of them a day...
Money I dont think my friend always has a role to play...
Impart your knowledge, your education to them...Let "them" carve a niche on this earth...
Let them realise their potential, make them realise what they are worth!!!

Agreed I say, I ll enlighten them, but do you think an empty stomach can be literate?
Do you still feel a beautiful world for them "Books n Knowledge" should create??
I dont think you understand todays world, theres a price tag for everything....
With an empty stomach, no school bells ring....

Gosh!!! Theres nothing more I can say.....
Now I too see that everything! For everything you need to pay...
Innocence, education nothing seems to stand up in front of the coin....
You, me my friend,everyone maybe out of love or out of compulsion into this race have joined...

Be Happy and Love life...

You

2006-08-15T13:13:00.000-07:00

Life being so weird as it is now...
So much to live for....
So much to die for...
So much to kill for...
And yet I dont stop...
I go on...
The only reason is You........

Pass so many people by...
Wait over for a while...
Have a look at them...
Speak to them..
Try to Understand them...
The reason is I am trying to find You....

I read, I learn...
I see,I understand..
I try to explore....
I am such a failure still!!
And again the reason is You....

I ask myself why...
I ask them why..
Some answers I get,Some I dont...
I reason,I blame..I blame you....

The earth rotates,I rotate with it...
Relative motion you call it eh??
I go in the opposite direction...
I ll find you faster...
I run.. I run for you....

I think I found you...
I stop,I wait to have a look at you..
I speak to you..
I try to understand you...
But....
You are so familiar...........

You seem to listen to me..
You seem to understand me..
seem to reason with me..
My! why did it take so long to find you??

I hold this piece of paper in my hand, Everything seems inverted...
I smile.. I realize.. I find you......

The land I search...

2006-08-15T13:11:00.000-07:00

Strangley enuff the last lines seem to come before even I start my stuff this time...Seems everythings getting inverted...

When I reached the Land...what do I see??
The dreams.. The Loveliness.. my friend, nothing comes free....

In this land of reality...when I try to still find my dreams...
I see another land at the horizon.. At Infinity..

I Run and Run again.. Thinking this time I ll reach there..
But Alas!Dreams too my friend now charge a fare!

White

2006-08-15T13:09:00.000-07:00

You mix a black....You mix a red ..
You mix orange, blue and all colours that catches your sight.... .
.My friend.. you end up again where you started...
All colours mix up again to give you true,pure white....

I Wonder Why

2006-08-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

Out there under the naked sky, the rains hide her tears...
The pearls from those eyes,Nah no remorse! No fear.......

Its Love they say...But she wonders why....
The sky aint in Love...But still why does it have to cry??

Her eyes lit up..reflect all the shine...Her lips curl,reading these lines...
Filling the sky like a Rainbow...
With all its seven colors shining bright....
Beautiful you are O Rainbow...
But are not the one who scattered the "pure white Light"...